Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
tis the season
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.