He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy