Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You Might Also Like
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever