*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.