Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.