If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Oceanography is all about current events
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.