No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am