I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right