the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
couldn’t resist
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*