My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight