can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
No regrets in 2018
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.