Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My time has come.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.