“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You Might Also Like
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*updates tinder bio*
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents