[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
And now we wait
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
😂😂😂
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.