I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*