So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”