Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.