3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.