gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.