Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
What a website
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Oops
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.