“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.