[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.