“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You Might Also Like
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The funk soul brother
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.