This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.