Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.