Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
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Doctors texting each other.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.