My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.