wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Oh the world we live in…
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
being a writer on Twitter:
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.