ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂