There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You Might Also Like
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*me flirting
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
when nothing goes right… go left
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….