I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*