Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Nice try, poison.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Ion see the issue
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%