since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.