[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I have many caverns
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀