Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Mornin. * use accordingly
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.