The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me My dog
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”