My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
This made me smile…
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.