A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
cats when you pet them too long:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
choose your gary
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂