The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight