Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Rambo Rambow
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on