WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
You Might Also Like
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”