“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher