Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Sing it!
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.