cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
i’m sure it’s fine
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING