Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
What my back needs