Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Skills
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo