to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
the composer
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Perfection.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods