Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
There are no pants in heaven.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me