asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Straight people are cancelled
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.