Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My first son he is wonderful
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Jail
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious